SEPTEMBER IS COMING SOON BUDDY, 11 YEARS KILLIAN! 11 YEARS OLD, 11 YEARS WITHOUT YOU, 11 YEARS WITH BROKENNESS, 11 YEARS OF WONDERING EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY WHO YOU WOULD BE LIKE, THE DREAMS TAKEN AWAY, 11 YEARS OF OCCUPYING MY TIME UNTIL WE ARE REUNITED. I MISS YOU DEEPLY,
i'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER, MY BABY YOULL BE!
WELL BUDDY, HERE WE ARE AT YEAR 1O KILLIAN. YEAR 1O! I REMEMBER THINKING THAT PAINFUL DAY, HOW LONG WILL I REMEMBER, HOW LONG WILL I STILL FEEL HIM IN MY ARMS. THAT WAS MY FEAR, WHEN I HAD TO LET YOU GO, CLOSING YOUR PURE WHITE CASKET, THAT I WOULD FORGET YOUR SWEET SMELL, YOUR SOFT SKIN, YOUR BEAUTIFUL BLACK SILKY HAIR, THOSE AWESOME CHUBBY CHEEKS AND TUMMY, YOUR DADS NOSE, HANDS AND FEET, MY TINY LIPS, HOW YOUR BIG HEAD COULD BARELY FIT INTO YOUR LITTLE HAT AND MADE ME SMILE AMONGST MY SORROW . I THOUGHT ALL I WOULD REMEMBER WAS THE HORRIBLE PAIN I FELT WHEN I HAD TO SAY GOODBYE. BEFORE THAT I NEVER KNEW SUCH AGONY EXISTED, SUCH SUFFERING, SUCH DEBILITATING PAIN. I REMEMBER THE SHEER DIFFICULTY OF JUST BREATHING, KILLIAN BUT GUESS WHAT? 10 YEARS LATER, MY ARMS CAN STILL FEEL WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO SPEND THOSE PRECIOUS MOMENTS WITH YOU, HOLDING THE VERY BEST PART OF ME (AND YOUR DAD, GUESS I HAVE TO MENTION HIM).
HOW I MISS YOU, HOW I LOVE YOU, HOW EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS SECOND BEST IN COMPARISON TO WHAT BEING YOUR MOMMY COULD HAVE BEEN. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, SWEETHEART, I WISH YOU WERE HERE, LOVE MOMMY
HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY MY PRECIOUS KILLIAN DRAKE
SEPTEMBER 19,2014 KILLIAN WOULD HAVE BEEN TEN YEARS OLD
ANNOUNCEMENT; NOVEMBER 2011
Please Support The Parental Bereavement Act of 2011
This site is dedicated to my Killian, who went to Heaven September 19th 2004,my Mom, who went to heaven, on August 20, 2006, my darling Baby H, who joined Killian & Mom on July 10, 2007 my beloved cat Kiki, that I enjoyed for 15 years, who joined them on October 1st, 2007 and now my very special cat Millie who died yesterday July 26 and now my sweet Hallie, age 19, . the losses are many, the burdens are heavy, I carry them with me daily, as God carries me in his arms. One day, I will join them all, and will live for eternity with the loves of my life. Thank you all for your amazing continued support,
My son, Killian Drake, was born still on September 19, 2004 on his due date. He was/is the love of my life. My future seemed set & full of promises, then in one day my entire life was forever changed by the Best & Worst moments of life. From my warm, loving womb, my Killian was given to me, all 9 pounds of him, beautiful & so very perfect, but with no life in him. I remember thinking, he's gonna cry, but that moment never happened, at least not in this life. I will dedicate my life to bringing meaning from his life and from his death. The meaning of my sons name, "Killian", is "to fight". He did just that! He had been telling his mommy in the womb that it was past time to be born, but with all my pleading, the cries of a mother were ignored. The doctors played russian roulette with my precious sons life, ultimately causing him to die, my miracle that I had prayed for, for 20 years, gone from his mommy, until we meet again. (It is mommys desire Killian to follow God's word so that I can get to Heaven to hold you again, for eternity. I love you sweet boy!)
Thank you so very much to everyone who visits my Killian's site, fondly known as my chunky butt, those visits are special to me and carry me through my days. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Keena
Its 7 years now Killian
This is summer of 2011 now Killian and I am blown away at how time can stand still yet fly by all at the same time. there are those who understand that feeling all too well. I vividly feel you still in my arms as if it were today and yet I feel so distant from you. My heart is full of you but my arms still ache to hold you and only a loving mother can understand what that means. I have imagined you at age 7 many many times in my head. I know you would handsome and have an amazing head of hair and be competetive yet compassionate, funny like me since your dad had absolutely no sense of humor but great at sports like him. Missing out on raising you has been the greatest pain of my life and the worst sorrow I could ever have imagined and I wonder to this day what I possibly could have done to God to make him allow that depth of emptyness in my life and my soul. Life has gone on without you in some form though with very little meaning except that I work very very hard to keep your memory and legacy alive. I cant explain your daddy, he still makes no sense to me, but then he never did, it remains a mystery to me but I know what he missed out on by not holding you and I know God is not pleased with him for that, but I can only account for me and How I miss you and love you. there are times when the world seems so cold and dark and cruel that I am glad you dont have to see what I see, hear what I hear and experience what the world would have taught you. I know you are safe, happy and loved and being cared for by God himself, Mammaw and Old Mammaw and so many others, but then the selfish part of me just wants to be your mommy damn it but I know that will not be until I get to Heaven. Our story will continue then buddy. Until then, I miss u more than words can ever express or explain and I love you more than I ever knew possible. For now, that love is sort of bottled up but one day it will be opened up for eternity and you will know and feel Mommys love forever. Sending all my big smooches and hugs to Heaven!
It's been 6 years baby boy
6 years ago you were born Killian, so perfect, so chubby, I had no idea that babies could die for no apparent reason the very day they were to be born, I am still haunted by the never ending questions, why, why us, how, what could I have done differently, and mostly what would your life be like right now, who would you look like, what sports would you like, your dad was a sports nut so I figure you probably would be too, or sing like me, and so on and so on. With each family event I am reminded of what I continue miss out on, the pain remains deep and my heart races and my blood pressure still boils when I think of those horrible doctors, not listening, cutting your ear in two almost like delivering some animal, Mommys heart continues to break and knowing I will have to live with this hurt for the rest of my life, like so many others makes me sick to my stomach. Mommy has aged from the sorrow in my heart and on my face I continue to see it and feel it deep within. On September 19th, the day before my birthday it will be 6 years that you have been gone, I can not imagine how I have even breathed without you. Being a caretaker of your grave is excruciating, only those who live it too can understand and how my heart also aches for them, our hopes, our futures, our dreams forever gone, keeping faith is almost impossible at times because I do not undestand how the loving God I thought I knew took you from me, leaving me so empty yet I have to muster the faith and belief somehow to get thru it all and to hopefully see you again one day. Not exactly fair to say the least. I think of you every day of my life Killian, people foolishly think we get over it, we never do, we only find a way to live because God has not taken us yet, my tears continue to flow and with each passing year wondering what you would be like will always remain.
I love you with all my heart and miss you more than words can ever express. I have an empty heart without you and will see you again one day,
If you have the time, please visit the www.stillborn-angels.memory-of.com website, it has become a great source of strength and hope for so many parents, its precious to me, with almost 300 babies on there, I know the parents would be so appreciative of your loving candles and tributes in honor of their baby angels,
Thank you so much,
When I Lived with You
I found love in your womb, I was happy and warm
I heard your voice, I heard you sing
I heard your heart beating for me, and I loved you!
I kicked and squirmed and sucked my thumb, I had hiccups and they made you laugh.
I knew all the plans you had for me, and I loved you!
When I lived with you, I grew and grew into a beautiful, healthy baby.
I waited to see you, you named me Killian!
I heard you calling my name, and I loved you!
Mommy, God loved me too, he said I was perfect and pure.
Together with Daddy and you, God created me and asked me to come home.
I can be your light, your hope, your strength, I will always love you!
Thank you, Mommy, for my life.
Ok Buddy, heres Mommy in Washington DC, fighting for the rights of all stillborn babies, in your honor. I love you precious.
the Scripture says: / Nancy McCarty (Nick and Killian rock )
"So, flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God! Where,O
death, is your victory? Where, O death,is your sting?"
We MOURN for our babies. Sadness and suffering wind through our pages of love and tears. But there is a greater love story here! The reader comes away with a solid resonating hope and a profound sense of peace in the midst of a mother's greatest loss.......
Keep the faith!! for Killian,for Nick, for Baby Harding.and all of us
who have lost children. C ontinue as the beautiful raven-haired
woman and beacon that you are!! LOVE YOU MUCH
(Thank you for your hope Nancy)
Created for Special Purposes
Killian is a Child of God.... taken home not prematurely.... but just in time. His Father was calling his name, and he took the walk that we will all take someday. The plans of the Lord are infinite, perfect, and complete, even though we may not understand them. This child was "made for a purpose" to live in HIS presence forever. We all await Heaven in patience to see him again... where time and pain are not factors... and joy and peace are everlasting words.
Thinking of you today Killian and your Mommy. She is such an amazing woman of strength and faith. We can't wait until we can see you again and my Moses.
Hugs to you - Grace and peace to Mommy.
thank you Erinn
How the Heavens shine! / Lauren Meeuwsen
What a beautiful, amazing little boy! So angelic in all his pictures! How the heavens must shine in his presense! May you always feel the tender love from your little, Killian, each day as he smiles down on you! God Bless you and wrap his loving arms around you! Your website is wonderful and truly touching! You and Killian have touched my heart foreve
thank you so much! Keena
Killian, a sweet, precious baby boy
Immersed with love that continues to grow
Life on earth for him, he'd never know
Living in Heaven now, Under God's gracious care
Impatience from Mommy wanting to be there
An Angel who has blessed heart after heart
Never forgotten Killian-You were loved from the start
What a strong, beautiful name you have!
The angels probably have to take turns holding you on their lap!
One day you'll sit on mommy's lap and you'll both be so happy. Until those
days come, we'll enjoy your cozy corner with its gay toys and animals. Most
of all,there you are with the Savior.
You are a much-loved little boy with so many visitors ! It seems the world
loves Killian and all of Heaven too!
Maybe you get to be with another fellow with a big,strong name....................
Simeon. He has been gone from this place where your "Cozy Corner" is,
for one year today. Only we mommies think of things like that; there is no
night in your home. From everything I read Killian, it is such a grand place
that you or Simeon would not want to come back!
You are so innocent and sin and sorrow never stained you. You didn't
have to hang you head or worry one tiny bit upon meeting Jesus. A perfect
May we all in the world who want eternal salvation look to you for our
Blessings to you,Keena
Thank you so much Nancy
My Beautiful Child
You are my angel from the heavens
My dream for the all world to see
My precious gift in all its glory
Because you're everything to me.
Smiling tears of joy and laughter
There is a magic in your eyes
Like the twinkle in the twilight
For twilight never dies.
You are the breeze that blows so softly
You are the singing bird that rhymes
And the reason for all goodness
Born to me sweet child of mine.
And when you tell me
That you love me
And I tell you back the same
I feel the beauty that's within you
I cry sweet beauty of your name.
Used With Permission
M- My child our Love is forever
O- Our reunion will be so sweet
T- Together again in the future
H- Holding to hope until we meet
E- Everlasting Life is the plan
R- Reunited with each other again
A Mothers Love is Forever
S- Sorrow takes my breath away
O- Only to hold onto Hope of Heaven
N- Never to be without you again
A Son's Love is Forever
What would I be?
If not a mother, what would I be?
If not a mother, how could i see?
If not a mother, who shared a heart,
An empty soul, with no where to start.
If not a mother, how could I know,
the depth of Love that penetrates me so!
If not a mother, what would I be?
An empty soul unable to breathe?
In memory of my son, Killian, written by Mommy
on August 20, 2006, my mom, Pat, fondly called Mommaw by 7 of her grankids, went to be with Jesus, I have chosen to share Killians memorial site with her. Thank you to everyone 4 the wonderful tributes to her, she loved Hummingbirds...I appreciate it so very much! ((Luv Keena))
THIS IS THE STORY OF MY MIRACLE BOY, KLLIAN. AT 40 YEARS OLD I WAS MARRIED AND WITHIN 2 WEEKS WE WERE EXPECTING THIS LITTLE BABY. AT 3 MONTHS WE FOUND OUT IT WAS A BOY, IMMEDIATELY WE HAD HIS NAME PICKED OUT AND FROM THAT MOMENT WE AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS CALLED HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME WHILE IN MY WOMB. Tho high risk, I had a very good pregnancy, he flourished and grew to be 9 pounds at time of delivery. My Killian craved water melon while in my womb, I am embarrassed to say just how many that i ate. Vividly in my memory are all the sleepless nights because he was so active that I used to say "he was shooting hoops in my belly", between him practicing to become an NBA player and refusing to let me sleep on my right side, I was up for the better part of 9 months!! He was a joy to carry, all 9 pounds of him, I was proud to call him my SON!!
At 36 weeks Killian was already measuring at 40 weeks, I began to beg the doctors from Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton Ohio (the regions leader supposedly in high risk pregnancy??) to deliver my son, for various reasons, specifically due to my high risk. I was never sick even one day during the pregnancy, was monitored 3 times weekly and yet the end of the story resulted in those doctors ignoring my pleas, and the week my son was due, I went to the hospital 7 times only to be sent home each time, the final time I went my son was gone, a blood clot the size of a pea took my miracles life. This blood clot could have been prevented if they would have listened to the cries of a mother, but they chose to ignore me. My life was forever changed. The very moment they took him from me in the recovery room, I begged GOD to not let my sweet boy die in vain!! it is my hope to keep his legacy alive by repeating my story so that others may learn from it and to mention my sons name as often as I can, Killian Drake
This is my Killian Drake, my best accomplishment, my greatest love, my greatest joy. Killian will leave a legacy that will change the world. he has been chosen as the "poster child" for the www.stillborn-angels.memory-of.com website. this website gives a voice to all babies born still, as well as an opportunity for parents to honor their precious child who was taken to Heaven much too soon. it is my Hope & my Prayer that Killians story of his life and his death bring "much needed"awareness to the world about the tragedy of still birth. There are currently over 4 million babies born sleeping, worldwide. This is a phenominal number. One is too many. Over 50% of stillbirths in America could have been prevented, as was the case o f my 9 pound little man, my miracle! Please consider educating yourself on this tragic death that leaves a family paralyzed with sorrow. For more information, please go to : www.stillbirthalliance.org
Thank you, Killians Mommy
Currently in America, 39 of our states do not recognize stillbirth babies, there fore the parents are not provided with a birth certificate, resulting in unnecessary pain and suffering, trying to prove to the world that their precious child, did indeed exist, as was the case of my son, Killian. Because of the loss of another child, born still, Cheyenne, her mother has been able to create and pass a bill called " The Missing Angels Bill". This allows the parent to receive a bith certificate for their child born still.
At this present time, I have met with government officials in my state of Ohio, to get this bill introduced into Congress and passed, i am convinced that without this "recognition", of our children, a parents grief is magnifide significently. Please keep me in your prayers, as i work diligently, in honor of my son and with regard for parents of children who will be born still, in the future.
I had the privilege of speaking to medical professionals about the loss of a baby, and having to leave the hospital empty handed, and as a result of that they made a donation to "Make a Wish Foundation", in Killians honor. I received a certificate for his baby book and he was honored by a plaque that is publicly displayed .
Through my sorrow and anguish of losing my precious Killian, I have decided to pursue my Masters in counseling, specifially with families dealing with the loss of a child.
I discovered in this journey that compassion is rare and it seemed that I had to seek out my own help thru my pain and that has always felt unfair to me, especially professionally. Either I coudnot afford the counseling or it was generalized and I felt alone, so I hope that God uses my sorrow in a way to reach out to others who will be going thru this same pain in the furure, and maybe they wont have to reach so far to find help, like I did.
I pray for all of us daily that have to live every day of our lives wihtout our children, its a cruel trick and I ask God to bare the pain for us and the emptiness, until we can see them again for eternally.
you can also visit me and my friends at www.stillborn-angels.memory-of.com
You have left your foot prints on mommys heart Killian, I Love You